"A good friend of mine is being walked around like a shitty puppet because she's part evil dog and thus susceptible to Batterwitch brand mindcontrol. She made another good friend's teenaged grandmother, who was also being mind controlled at the time, stick a fork in me like I was a fucking well-done lovingly seasoned grubsteak fresh off Troll Gordon Ramsey's grill. Are you sorry you asked yet? Because I could keep going. I could put that red sweater shitheel to shame. Hashtag tee doubleyou, pure unadulturated bullshit." More deep intakes of breath. He actually seems to be tearing up a bit. "AND THIS SHIT JUST. KEEPS. HAPPENING. I'D ASK WHAT I EVER DID TO THE UNIVERSE AT LARGE TO DESERVE THIS KIND OF RELENTLESS CHUTEPOUNDING BUT I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW."