applesaucedream | Blessed are the vagrant, lonely are the static ones [closed]

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Blessed are the vagrant, lonely are the static ones [closed]

Loose change can only take one so far in terms of public transport and it's well past noon and Daniel hasn't even eaten today, so he elects to walk even if it is, as his luck would have it, raining very heavily. The present downpour is a great deal more copious than is fair considering the streak of abysmal events that have led him along to this unremarkable moment in his life.

In an effort to avoid the downpour he ducks into the closest establishment he can find, a cramped-looking café or deli sort of place that probably doesn't appreciate him dripping all over the faded blue tile floors and maneuvering awkwardly around the tables so he can get to the farthest, most out-of-the-way corner booth he can find. Shaking wet hair from his eyes, he shoves his two bags beneath it with less care than is really warranted. Both bags are already battered and falling apart at the corners enough, and they hold every possession Daniel has left in the world.

The sole barista at the counter doesn't look happy to (a) be maintaining an almost empty establishment on a spectacularly rainy late afternoon or (b) have to deal with the colony of puddles steadily collecting beneath Daniel's table as he hunches his shoulders and tries to count out his change to see if he has enough to avoid being thrown out for loitering. It's not looking optimistic. He wilts a little at the realization and shoots a nervous glance at the barista who has ceased her mechanical wiping of the countertop to level a simmering glower at him, fingers drumming, silently daring Daniel to think of a reason for why he should be the least bit welcome here. At the present moment, he's coming up empty. He swallows hard and returns to recounting his change in the blind hope that he's miscalculated.

Five minutes and seven recounts later, Daniel deposits the change onto the booth table with a shower of wet clinks and stares at the little pile of coins miserably. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to the board Dr. Daniel Jackson, thirty-one and already the archaeological hack of the decade, homeless and in debt and probably about to get thrown back out into the rain very soon on account of him being unable to afford even a cup of coffee to alleviate the pounding headache drilling itself into the center of his forehead.

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"Ooh, careful there," answers Daniel, now playing along, "unsupported conclusions are no one's friend."

The smile is definitely working its way out, even if it happens to be arriving at a snail's pace. And there's something to be said about the spirit of reciprocity, so Daniel goes ahead and lets one of his hands drift up to rest over the hand on his shoulder. Just - a physical confirmation of how grateful he is for all of this.

"Well," Seth answers, his smile becoming an actual grin by now. "I mean, it's only a theory. I'd have to do some research to confirm it."

Is he being obvious? He's pretty sure he's being obvious, but Daniel is reciprocating, Daniel's got his hand on Seth's, and it's warm now, not cold like when Seth helped him to his feet. And he is looking at him with those ridiculously blue eyes and smiling, finally actually smiling, and his still somewhat damp hair falling slightly in front of his face. It's very difficult to focus on anything else at the moment.

Daniel wishes he could come up with something minimally clever to keep with the witty repartee they have going here, but he thinks he only manages a couple vowel-sounding noises that once upon a time had every intention of becoming words someday if they worked very hard and ate all their vegetables.

This is...new. It's new. Seth is really, really looking at him and smiling and Daniel swallows hard because ohhhh god he has had exactly one relationship and it ended after two months on account of Daniel's inability to pay attention to anything besides his work. Is that where this is even going? He could very easily be reading this all wrong. His judge of character does not have a perfect, spotless track record and he doesn't fully trust his perception of these events. Except there is this, there is this with the - staring and the smiling and the hands which, when gauged individually could mean any number of things but when examined as the sum of their parts happen to be maybe possibly leading to a very definitive road except Daniel doesn't actually know, he could be getting this all wrong.

Oh god but they are, for all intents and purposes, holding hands. They are holding hands, and maybe at this point he makes a faintly surprised noise in the back of his throat.

Daniel isn't saying anything - well, Daniel isn't saying any words, and Seth is a little bit worried, just a little worry mixed in with the smiling and the thrill and the beating of his heart which has suddenly gotten a lot louder without him noticing until just now.

And Daniel swallows, and Seth's eyes are drawn to the way his Adam's apple bobs in his throat, and he feels hyper-aware of everything, the feeling on Daniel's hand on his, his soft hands obviously primarily used for sifting through books and papers.

The lashes of Daniel's currently wide eyes.

The softness of his lips currently slightly parted in confusion and surprise.

And Seth is worried that he's pushing too quickly, that Daniel's surprise is not positive and that his advances are unwanted, that the gears are still working in his mind, except they're just staring at each other by now, and Daniel is still holding onto his hand, he could've let go at any time, and then he makes that noise, and.

And Seth leans over.

Not too quickly. Just. Closing the distance. His eyes jumping between Daniel's eyes and his mouth, making his intentions clear, giving Daniel plenty of time to pull away, plenty of time to make it clear if this isn't what he wants, and God it is taking forever, his heart is beating so loudly and it is taking aeons, it is taking forever before Seth can finally kiss him.

It happens very slowly.

It happens very slowly but Seth is coming closer, Daniel can definitely see the intent there and he doesn't know what he should do about it, caught in his own deer-in-headlights indecision, his instincts were right and Seth is taking his time, hesitant, probably out of respect for the spirit of reciprocity, Daniel can't sort out of he's pleased or hesitant or petrified or all of the freaking above, and he - he lets it happen.

He very definitely lets it happen.

Daniel has kissed a total of one (1) individuals in his life with romantic intent, and that is not nearly enough practice to know all the...technicalities. But he knows enough to know that, yes, the other hand goes here, behind the neck, there's a bit someone does with the jaw or no, okay, both parties with the jaw, he is fine with that. He can adapt. It's new territory, sure, but Seth doesn't seem to mind Daniel fumbling around with it a little. His eyes are closed because that feels appropriate, but it also seems right to simply feel his way through it, in every sense of the term.

He doesn't have the best frame of reference for how kisses are supposed to go but Daniel thinks it is going quite well and it - it feels very right, very very okay, god wow, this is new and different and he cannot fully categorize emotional output right now but enjoyment is definitely up there, definitely one for the plus column.

Seth doesn't realise just how tense and tightly wound he was until their mouths finally connect, and Daniel is kissing back, Daniel is most definitely kissing back and Seth can just feel all the worry and the tension drain out from his shoulders and his neck, especially his neck because Daniel has just put his hand there.

He rests his own free hand on Daniel's chest, and he's so excited he has to make himself take it slow, to take his time and enjoy it, because he can actually tell Daniel is inexperienced and unsure about this, and Seth doesn't want to overwhelm him, Seth wants to make sure he is along for the ride. And Daniel definitely is, he seems to be, because he may fumble a bit but it's sincere, it's so obvious now that they're both enjoying it, and Seth is so relieved and so excited.

And Seth was right, Daniel's lips are very soft, like they were made to be kissed, and how on earth could Daniel be inexperienced, why hasn't anyone else taken the chance to do this. He pulls apart just a little bit, having to remind himself to breathe, and he realises he's smiling, and he opens his eyes a little as he leans his forehead against Daniel's for a moment, making his glasses askew because they haven't gotten far enough to take them off, and Seth reaches up behind Daniel's head to weave his fingers lightly into his damp hair.

Oh. Oh wow.

Well.

That was definitely a thing.

They've broken apart, both breathing a little heavier than is justified - no, scratch that, that is entirely justified - and Seth is threading his fingers through Daniel's hair with a not unpleasant tickle to the back of his neck.

Vocalization is still on the rocks so Daniel can just blink owlishly through his crooked glasses and gulp and nod a little to himself, yep, that was a thing, they just kissed and that definitely happened, no big deal. Seth is smiling. That means it's not a big deal. That's good. That's good? That's good.

He breathes out a vague "huh"-sounding thing and that's really about all his poor vocal cords can manage currently. The back of Seth's neck is the perfect anchor for all this so he is just going to keep holding onto it, very sturdy and there, maybe running his thumb absently up and down in parallel to the thing Seth's hand is doing to the back of his own neck because, you know, the spirit of reciprocity. It's a general theme. Daniel is very big on that general theme. It only seems fair.

They are very close together.

"S-so um," he pants out finally, loathe to break the little bubble they've got going here with hands on backs of necks and jaws and things. "So. You. Um. Yeah."

Yeah.

"Yeah," Seth echoes, no idea what that even means, but he doesn't overly care, and he suspects Daniel doesn't know nor care either. It doesn't seem important. Nothing outside the confines of this couch seems important at the moment.

Seth leans back a little, only a little bit so he can look at Daniel, and he smiles a little self-consciously. He lifts his hand - the hand that's been on Daniel's shoulder this entire time, their first point of contact, of comfort and reciprocation - and reaches up to adjust his glasses a little, before it comes to a rest against Daniel's cheek, and Seth is just smiling and looking at him again, because he can't seem to stop that.

And then his heart decides to jump into his throat.

The shrill sound of the doorbell, very loud and very intruding and currently very unwanted rings through the little room, and Seth feels as if he jumped about mile even if all he did was jerk back a little.

"The food," he realises out loud, and his voice sounds suddenly strange and foreign, and he doesn't want to, but with a nervous smile he gets to his feet to go answer the door.

Yeah.

Daniel is perfectly content just to exist here for a little bit, completely without thought of the misery of this morning. Seth's hand has moved to his face and is adjusting his glasses, not that he minds - at all, really - and, and, and this is something he thinks he can get used to, just this with the hands and the smiling and the not-really-knowing-how-to-verbalize and the fucking doorbell just

Thank god Seth still has possession of all his faculties and can get to the door.

"Uh-huh," says Daniel, feeling tachycardic. His mouth has gone a tad dry in the aftermath now that they've both been jarred out of their pleasurable mutual happy-bubble. He might be a mild state of shock. Just a little.

"I'll be right back," he says, unnecessarily because where would he go, and gets as far as halfway out the door to the staircase before he realises he changed his jeans earlier, so he has to go back inside and into his bedroom to find his wallet before he can head back to the stairs, and every time Daniel is even in his peripheral vision, Seth can feel the corners of his mouth tugging upwards of their own volition.

He hurries down the stairs in a daze, and it's probably a miracle he doesn't trip and get himself killed by falling down them, but he manages to make it down in one piece and still upright. He doesn't check if they got their order right, he can barely count out the approximately right amount of money, and he's pretty sure he accidentally either gave a ridiculous large tip or possibly no tip at all. He perhaps could've told which one by the look of the delivery guy's face, but right now he's not even sure if it even was a guy, because bloody loud alarm bells are going off in his head and blocking out everything else.

What is he doing?

He just took in a homeless guy, which yeah, fine, no big deal, Daniel has proved to be right harmless so far. But then Seth decided to kiss this homeless guy, perfectly aware of the fact that this homeless guy was both broke and lacking a home, you know, after Seth had offered him a place to spend the night.

What kind of position is that to put someone in?

Maybe his hesitation had absolutely nothing to do with being inexperienced, maybe he didn't want to do this except what was he supposed to say? For all Daniel knows, Seth could've tossed him out on the streets if Daniel had resisted him. Seth has all the power in this situation, and he didn't even stop to really make sure this was something Daniel was interested in, didn't pause to reassure him that this was only something they should be doing if Daniel really wanted to and that it would have absolutely no bearing on Seth's decision to let him stay.

Seth had thought it was amazing, because yeah it was, it had been bloody wonderful, and he had thought that Daniel had been really into it, but he'd been wrapped up in his own attraction, his own desire to kiss him. He doesn't really know if Daniel wanted the same thing. He didn't really know.

Seth realises suddenly that he's made it to the top of the stairs again, bag of food held tight in hand, the other hand gripping the railings.

He takes a shaky breath and pushes open the door, stepping inside and looking at Daniel with sincere regret and apology. "God, I -- I'm so sorry," he stammers.

He nods breathlessly, lets Seth take care of that, that will be fine. Daniel needs a minute anyway. He just needs to. Well. Sort through it.

Right now sorting through it entails Daniel flopping back against Seth's couch and hunching up his shoulders as he releases a long, unsteady whoosh of breath. He doesn't know why his heart is hammering the way it is or why he's still so incredibly nervous except that this is all relatively new material for him. A single relationship that lasted for two months hardly qualifies Daniel for "experienced" in that realm.

Except - god, maybe he's reading this all wrong. He's miserable at interpreting subtleties in these types of situations, he really is. But one kiss on a couch of a guy he only just met isn't statistically likely to lead to "relationship." That's not typically how these things are approached. Daniel knows enough about relationships, or lack thereof, to know that. And, well. He bites his lip, fiddles with the threadbare hem of his shirt, and wonders if Seth is looking to go past physical and into, well, more intensively physical. Daniel's not particularly averse to that but he's not very enthused about the possibility either, and he knows that he is simply not very good at it. That's been made very obvious in the past and he has no particular care for it but that doesn't mean Seth doesn't.

Hence the dilemma. Well, one dilemma of many.

And yes, Daniel had reciprocated for reasons he can't fully explain to himself even though he'd had no idea what he was doing and he's certain that came across quite clearly. But why? He can't say that he kissed Seth back simply because it seemed like the thing to do, can he? Except that it had. And he had. So. Dilemma Number Two. And the list goes on.

For the sake of the material integrity his shirt, Daniel stops himself before he can go through each individual bullet point on the mental list that's rapidly unfurling. It's not like he has a lot of shirts.

The reopening of the door thankfully disrupts that train of thought but the confusion only doubles when Seth makes that utter non sequitur of a pronouncement, bizarrely apologetic.

"Uh," says Daniel, scrambling to recollect himself and work out what, exactly, it is that Seth is sorry for. "You're forgiven. For, um. Whatever it is you did?"

"For -- for doing that," he says as the door closes behind him, and he's just kind of standing there awkwardly.

"I mean, I, I offer ya a place to sleep, and then, then, knowing bloody well that you have no other option I go ahead and do that, before makin sure that was somethin you were even remotely interested in, just, just cos I wanted to," he rambles, the words tumbling out a little haphazardly, his accent growing thicker with his worry and the rate of his sentences.

"So I'm, I'm sorry, I like ya, so I," he continues, reaching up to run a hand through his hair, not remotely sure where he's even going with this. "I mean, don' worry abao it, you can still stay and I won' try anythin or nowt."

He takes a breath.

"I'm a right prick," he finishes awkwardly, still standing there by the door, holding onto the bag of food a bit too tightly.

The eyebrows bring themselves down into a little frown as Seth goes off on a great tumbling self-directed diatribe about - about the kissing, Daniel supposes, though he never actually says it. And he's getting flustered, oh no no no no no, that's not good. That is the opposite of good.

"That's - not -" he begins haltingly, raising both hands in what he hopes is a clarifying, placating manner. "That's not what's happening here. Is it? I didn't, I didn't get that impression. I mean, it was, we were, I mean yeah, we -" He motions vaguely, the meaning implicit. "- but it was, we. We. You know. It was mutual, it happened, um. It was very nice."

There was an original point buried there somewhere but Daniel cannot for the life of him pick out what it might have been. And how his ears are red again. How perfect.

Seth manages to stop his train of thought from going further, from digging himself into an even deeper hole of guilt.

It was. It was very nice apparently. That. Okay.

He takes a moment to let Daniel's words sink in, to realise that what Seth thought, what Seth was afraid of, was in fact not what's happening here. All right. Mutual. Okay. Good.

His brain seems to have overloaded a little bit, having trouble making sentences that are longer than two words after the many emotions he's been racing through over the last several minutes. His feelings aren't exactly clear just now, but at least they're a little calmer, settling in a tangled mess rather than running laps around his brain. Although there is another little squirm in his stomach as he realises Daniel is blushing. That. That takes a moment to absorb as well, to mix in with everything else.

"Oh," he answers finally, and then at last seems to realise he actually left for a reason, so he takes a step forward and sets the bag of Thai on the table.

"Good," he adds, because it is, even if his general state hasn't quite caught up to reflect that he thinks so.

It looks like the communication breakdown is also mutual. The thought is oddly fortifying, so Daniel knows he's not the only one struggling with all - this. All of this. The indefinable this.

"So are we, um?" He doesn't know how best to put this. And linguistics is supposed to be one of his strengths. "It's...okay, it's all, you know."

He makes an exegetical little hand gesture and hopes that makes his point, which it probably doesn't.

"Uh, thanks." A hasty subject change, then. "It, uh, smells great."

Seth nods vaguely at the question. It's all, you know, indeed. Daniel is neither mad nor upset nor showing any signs of feeling like has has actually been forced into something he didn't want, apart from the whole pervasive awkwardness that seems to fill the room. So it probably is okay.

This thought finally allows him to rally into something vaguely resembling normalcy once Daniel changes the subject to the food. Whatever normal is in this situation.

"Uh, yeah, yeah they have good stuff there," he says, gesturing vaguely at the bag. "Um, go ahead and help yourself, I..." He turns towards the kitchen and opens the ancient fridge, peering inside. "I have orange juice and coke and, and water, I guess. And beer."

As much as he feels like he needs to take a deep breath and relax right now, he's not entirely sure if lowered inhibitions would be the best plan, considering what he did while he was sober.

"Water is, is fine," Daniel ventures exactly at the same time his stomach releases a low, embarrassingly loud growl.

Right. It's been a while since he last ate. That's not a fact he was overly eager to broadcast to the world which, in this case, contains solely Seth but that's really thoroughly embarrassing enough.

He hastens to pull the boxes out, breathing in the warm, sharp scent of chicken curry. Oh god, actual food. Daniel slides one of the cheap wooden pairs of chopsticks out from the bag - why some of these places choose to pack chopsticks in with Thai cuisine that's historically intended to be eaten with silverware he'll never understand, but he's not complaining - and cracks open one of the boxes eagerly. He shovels the first bite in and chews slowly, almost reverently, savoring the taste and feel and texture of having actual real food.

Seth gets them both some water, and gratefully he's even got ice cubes, since the plumbing system at this place doesn't seem to remember how to make properly cold water, except in the winter, but then it's the hot water that's the problem.

He turns back towards the couch area in time to see Daniel quite obviously enjoying the food, and he smiles a little. God, he's been there. A few times too many, really, so he's glad he's able to help Daniel in this situation.

Setting the glasses on the table, Seth returns to his seat on the couch, being perhaps a little overly conscious of not sitting too close or too far away from Daniel. His mind keeps flashing back to before the doorbell rang, and he flexes his fingers a little, like he can still feel Daniel's hair between them. Then he reaches forward purposefully, digging into the food, trying not to think about how he's replacing the taste of Daniel's mouth with the taste of curry.

Water, food, a place to sleep, and company that can stand to hold a decent conversation with him. This is more than Daniel would have ever expected, and he's certainly not used to having a four-for-four count. There's even the wavering bonus fifth tickbox, but Daniel's still not a hundred percent clear on the meaning there.

Thinking about it is a bit much right now. For now he's content to munch on his Thai food happily and try not to eat with the voracity that comes from not having eaten in - in a while. Not having eaten in a while. He hasn't been counting.

"So, um." He swallows a much-too-large mouthful in an effort to not speak through Thai curry chicken because he wants to be somewhat intelligible. "I don't know if I've thanked you enough, really, but I think I should keep doing it because, um, because you keep doing things like this, so. Yes. Thanks. For that. And. Everything."

He squirms a little at that intensely awkward expression of gratitude. Oh, way to go.

Seth smiles at the thanks, not minding the awkwardness of it one bit - it's par for the course so far, really. Seth has dim memories of actually coming across as relatively cool and confident earlier on, but that seems to have evaporated the more he realises he likes Daniel.

"You're welcome," he answers, because while Daniel may have thanked him a lot, Seth's not actually sure if he's actually said that or just made quips. It's entirely possible he's mostly joked away Daniel's gratitude, considered it unnecessary.

"Although you probably won't thank me as much in the morning - this couch is a killer," he jokes, his smile widening as he stuffs some more chicken into his mouth. Alright, so he may not be entirely done with the quips. But it's true, it's not a very comfortable couch, and he's pretty sure Daniel is a bit too long for it.

"Uh, trust me, it's a lot better than what I'm used to." He grins, pausing in his meal to pat at the thing appreciatively. "I mean, for one it's got cushions. Surprisingly rare commodities, those. You wouldn't think it, but there it is."

And he's going to take a minute to savor the small, unconscious thrill that Seth has taken the night's strangeness in stride and wants him to stay regardless of the delicate situation. Daniel finds that touching, almost. Whatever personal baggage might have abruptly cropped up between them, Seth is still kind enough to lend him room and board.

"Oh yeah, it's pretty much a five star hotel," Seth answers with a small smirk, leaning back in his seat with his box of chicken. "Only thing we're missing is a breakfast buffet. And maybe a pool."

Seth isn't entirely sure what they have in five star hotels, and what makes them different from four star hotels. Price, probably. Snobbishness of their guests.

"Well, you know." He shrugs and resumes eating. "Even before the untimely eviction, kinda got used to dirt floors and leaky tents. Archaeology isn't the most comfortable work out there." Daniel's probably done some sort of irreparable damage to his back at this point, all the hard, rocky surfaces he's curled up on. At least he won't have to worry about that anymore.

The thought is still distantly sobering even before what he's just said catches up to him. Daniel swallows hard and stares at his chicken without seeing it, appetite suddenly reduced.

Seth watches Daniel quietly, noting the way his shoulders tense up every time he brings up anything to do with his job or his current lack of place to live. He wishes he could do something about it, but even if he went as ridiculously far as to offer Daniel the opportunity to move in, he still couldn't fix his career.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" he asks quietly, watching the back of Daniel's head.

"Mm?" He looks back up at Seth, jerking himself out of that depressing train of thought. If he were in a brighter mood he'd have to suppress a grin at the question - they just kissed, that's about as personal as they can get. He's not sure if anything Seth has to say would exactly go past that line that they already crossed, intimately and with great enthusiasm. "Um, sure?"

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